We’re nearing the one year mark since this journey and experiment began, and to celebrate, I made a very difficult decision.

My initial plan was to blog about my experiences regarding The Rules for a year and then to write a screenplay using my story. However, it has become clear that one year is far too short to thoroughly develop anything substantial, especially with matters of the heart.

So I have chosen to continue this blog as I begin embarking on a new adventure.

Instead of writing a screenplay (as per my first plan), I have begun the early stages of turning what I’ve experienced thus far into a book. Once the book is completed, I will then work to create a screenplay derived from the book and fictionalized to fit into a film.

See, a book affords you the luxury of length and complexity. A movie, regardless of the matter, must be a truncated version of its book counterpart. While I have been keeping you all up to date on the physical events in my romantic life, I have spent a majority of my time thinking and observing. Thinking of how my individual experiences translate to look at the world we live in. Expanding my situation so that it serves as a commentary on our society as a whole. This has very much become a sociological observation and analysis greater than just matters of the heart. However, it’s also a personal journey. Because any observation requires also taking into account the observer’s relationship with what is being observed. Along with highlighting general ideas, I am also writing about my personal story.

My end goal is to have written a book that is both informative and entertaining. It combines psychology, sociology, and literature. So far, I’ve written the foreword and the beginning of the first chapter. We’re in the very early stages. Both will probably change quite a bit.

So what’s that mean for the blog?

I will be remaining silent on what I write for the book, because I am very guarded about my writing. Yes, I need critics, but I prefer having those be people with expertise in the field who have no interest in potentially lifting my ideas. Although the likelihood of you, my lovely readers, doing that is slim, the chances of a stranger happening on this blog and taking my first chapter or portions of the book that I share and turning it into something of their own is very high. For this reason, the book-specific works will remain undisclosed. However, as this story has to do with my real life, if events occur, I will share them with you as I’ve always done. There is no set ending for the book (as I’ve not yet experienced that ending, though I’ve toyed around with a few potential endings), and it will continue to grow and change as I grow and change.

This will be a very long process, as life always is, but the wait will be worth it.

I intentionally chose to stay away from this blog around Valentine’s Day for two reasons.

1. I didn’t want to risk feeding into the expected actions of crying and eating ice cream while watching my favorite romance movie alone by addressing my mindset on Valentine’s Day
2. I didn’t want to influence others into feeling low on an already difficult day.

I figured that if I ignored the fact that I run a relationships blog on the day

Read More

     When I was in middle school, I had a friend named Krystal. Krystal and I became very good friends and we spent a lot of time together. Throughout the course of our friendship, Krystal and I would get into arguments. Everyone else wore “brand name” clothes like Roxy or Billabong, but I never saw the value in it. Krystal would tell me that I should buy Converses or a different style of pants or to do my hair certain ways. I was resistant simply based in the idea that looking cute for school in middle school was absolutely pointless. I’d soon outgrow that $35 Roxy t-shirt or American Eagle jeans, so why would I want to spend three times as much for them when I could buy things that were worth their cost? I remember one time, I tied my jacket around my waist and Krystal urged me to tie it lower, around my hips, which did not exist because we were in middle school. It felt like my jacket would fall off at any second because there was nothing holding it there. I felt sad because I wanted to be well liked, but there was nothing comfortable or logical about the ways in which Krystal insisted I should go about it.

Read More

When I was in school, I used to blush really hard whenever I raised my hand and the teacher called on me. My face would fill with blood. My ears would burn and my heart would beat so fast, it felt like the world was spinning. In middle school, we had to choose between playing an instrument or performing in chorus. Only the bravest joined chorus, so naturally, I picked an instrument. Our teacher would go one at a time to help us tune and every time it was my turn, my hands would sweat and my face would turn deep red. I was overcome with anxiety and my hands would shake afterwards. This continued throughout school.

My first year in college was no different. The second year, about the same. I became involved in extracurriculars which required me to find the will to speak over someone to give my input or to provide nothing useful in meetings. It was, in a way, natural selection. Going into meetings with people who naturally feel like their opinion is fact and having to fight to speak even a single sentence forced me to become more comfortable with speaking up. As time passed, I slowly found my voice. I was always outgoing and extroverted with friends or family, but it took me more than twenty years to be able to replicate that in class or professional environments.

I was talking with someone the other day when

Read More

The post below is in response to The Man of My Dreams. Below it is my response. I am always taking submissons for stories, ideas, or extended input on a particular post and will gladly engage in discussion, so feel free to take advantage of that. Thank you for sharing, Brigid!

I don’t usually have those dreams. But somehow I feel like I know him. When I close my eyes and imagine the future I can picture his body, posture, hair, arms, sometimes even his jaw line. It’s in my head of course, but that doesn’t make it not real.

Of course, I’m a small Caucasian brunette and the man I’m picturing is a not-too-tall, muscular, Caucasian brunette, so maybe I’m just imagining someone like me with a heavy dose of fantasy.

But it doesn’t change. That’s the funny thing. Real, imaginary or both, I know him. 

You know, I knew a woman who told me that six months after she met her husband she looked at him and realized she was going to marry him. There was just no question any more. It was.

I wonder sometimes.

The similarities between you and him is an interesting thought. I never considered that maybe I was seeing the male version of myself (which would explain why I find him so attractive and perfect, haha). But now that you’ve brought it up, I’m really curious to know if others have imagined a “dream man/woman” who carries their physical characteristics.

I once met someone I had a literal dream about. When I met him, I swore I’d met him before, fully knowing there was nowhere we’d ever have met. Then awhile later, I experienced the dream in real life. In that moment, it gave me these sudden flashbacks. My heart was racing and I remembered what was going to be said just a half a second before it was said. It was a specific and unique experience I had never done before, so I knew it wasn’t deja vu. Afterwards, I remembered that I had written about that dream months before the experience happened. I found the entry, dated two days before I met him. Nothing ever developed between us. Our friendship was brief and barely had a pulse, but things like that make me wonder if I’ll have that heartracing feeling when I meet this mystery guy since it’s happened to me with other people before. I sound downright insane now, but I couldn’t have made it up if I tried.

My friend read Love and Science and texted me about it, confessing that she’s a serial dater. Until reading that post, she didn’t notice that it was an actual problem. Then she asked me something very important.

Now how do you go from there? How do you fix it?

I thought about it a lot. I’ve never been a serial dater, but I have known what it feels like to think about running just because that intensified romance isn’t there. I’ve had crushes, had a realization, and then put that crush into a box, sealed it, and shipped it off to some foreign land never to be heard from again. I know how it feels to just cut something off, even if I haven’t experienced this type of cutting off first-hand. But still, I thought. If I were a serial dater who suddenly knew that part of my problem is simply misreading the chemicals in my brain, what would I do? More importantly, what should you do if you’re in this position now?

1. If you’re in a new relationship, do your best to keep your feet on the ground. Don’t get carried away with romantic notions or obsessing over how long it takes for him or her to text back. Be aware of your partner’s habits. Are there things that “would normally” annoy you but for right now don’t? Or are there things that aren’t that big of a deal but you make out to seem like the most beautiful of actions? Being aware of these things doesn’t normally come until later on, but if you’re the kind to run once things get comfortable, you need to force yourself to notice them sooner. Be reasonable about annoying habits. If something annoys you, it annoys you. If something seems like the most beautiful thing in the world, it’s not and you’re just high on brain chemicals.
   
   
2. If you’re single, try talking to your exes. Figure out if the end of the relationship (assuming it ended 3 to 6 months in) was reasonable, like you were fighting against time or something unacceptable about them was discovered or if it was something like you just didn’t feel interested or “the fire went out.” You don’t have to rekindle the relationship. This is moreso a way of figuring out if it was you and your brain, or if it just wasn’t going to work out. This will require swallowing your pride, but it will do you a world of good.
   
   
3. Once you’ve either examined your current or past relationships, think about your past in general. Were you hurt by someone you trusted, like a parent, close friend, or partner? Did you miss an opportunity for something amazing - either a scholarship, promotion, etc. and hold back now? Odds are, serial daters not only misinterpret chemicals, but they also have a crippling fear of failure. If you were married and your spouse cheated, you’ll have reservations about everything - even in your work life - until you sit down and resolve them.
   
   
4. If you do realize that you have atychiphobia (fear of failure), the most important thing is to take chances. Stay in that relationship for another six months. Apply for that promotion. Express yourself - whether you’re satisfied or not with any aspect of your life. Expect nothing but the best from those around you and, most importantly, for yourself. Desperately want to lose weight but can’t seem to find motivation to get to the gym? Go with a friend. Not wanting to exercise when you’re uncomfortable with your body is (you guessed it) a sign that you have atychiphobia. Procrastinate on an assignment or project until the last minute? Atychiphobia. Cancel on dates? Atychiphobia. Keep yourself holed up in your room or spend the day after hanging out with friends thinking about what you might have done wrong? Worry that you’re not “cool” enough for them? Check your unfollowers because you’re worried that one special blog has unfollowed you? Worry about what to say/post/do/wear/eat because others might judge you for it? A-ty-chi-pho-bi-a.
   
   
5. Now that you know, fight against every natural urge you have. Beat it. Become who you are meant to be. Become greater than you ever expected. Succeed gracefully and take failure in stride. Love big. Speak boldly. Hold your head up high. Create a ripple effect of confidence. Let love in, in all its forms. After all, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
   
   
6. Good luck.

I have these dreams…and when I mentioned one to a friend, she said she’d never had one like that. I don’t know if it’s her that is the abnormality or if it’s me, but I’d like to tell you about these dreams regardless.

I never have erotic dreams. In exchange, I have love dreams. I dream about being with someone. He usually looks the same, but it’s not like I have recurring dreams about the same person. Just similar features. Normal body type, brown hair, caucasian…I never remember what his face looks like. All I know is he’s white with brown hair.

In these dreams, we are in love. And it’s not the crazy obsessive overwhelming love like I wrote about in my previous post. Rather, it’s this feeling of serene completion. I’m calm, happy, peaceful. There are no questions. One of my biggest fears with relationships is getting to that point where you worry if the person really loves you or if it will last. If I can be honest, the idea of marriage is terrifying because I’m scared it won’t last. But with him, none of that fear exists. I know it will last. I know we will love each other forever. I don’t have to worry about him growing tired of me or not understanding me or any of those little things that wear on an old relationship. It’s this complete, calm, knowing happiness. We can be apart or right next to each other and feel this string tying us to each other. His laugh makes me laugh. His kisses make me fly. And it doesn’t end. None of these dreams end with him suddenly having to leave or dying or anything.

In these dreams, the world is perfect. Struggles are overcome, stresses are superficial. In the end, it’s just our love carrying us through everything. He’s my ideal man, but I can never remember his face. Sometimes, very rarely, he manifests himself in a celebrity or someone I know, but it’s always the same feeling, so I don’t identify him with what he looks like.

My friendships are a lot like romantic relationships. We hang out and get to know each other and create this bond of friendship that only grows stronger. We can go days or weeks without talking. We can get into fights. Yet through all of this, we still love each other. Once we’ve worked out the kinks and things settle, I still feel surges of uncontainable happiness and love knowing that my best friend is in my life. The question of whether or not we’ll remain friends exists, but slowly subdues to the background as time goes on. That is the only difference between my friendships and this dream lover. With him, there are no questions.

I heard somewhere that you can’t dream about things you’ve never experienced. You can dream about dying, but that’s based on feelings you’ve felt before. Memories you’ve created, realigning themselves in your brain. You can dream about sex, but if you’re a virgin, it doesn’t feel like what sex is because you haven’t had it yet. So it’s interesting to me that I’ve never experienced a relationship (platonic or otherwise) where there were no questions on whether it would endure, yet in these dreams, I feel it. I know how it feels even though I’ve never experienced it.

Stranger yet is I have a feeling that this man I dream about is real. He’s someone I’ll meet. And I’ll know when I’ve met him, because it’ll be like remembering a dream. When I meet him and think back on this man from my dreams, suddenly I’ll be able to remember what the dream man looked like. And it’ll be him. I mean, it’s entirely possible. There are people who received organ transplants and then dreamt of the donor without having ever met them or known their name. They’ll see a person they’ve never met and feel calm and happy, like they’re with a guardian angel, only to find out later that the person they were dreaming of is dead and gave a part of themselves post-mortem.

These dreams give me such happiness - happiness I’ve never known - that I seek them out. I watch sappy movies and tv shows full of artificial and overdramatized replications of love because sometimes, if I do, I have these dreams. I see him again. I feel happy again. I don’t want to wake up because my dreams are too perfect to leave.

Now that Valentine’s Day is around the corner, I can’t help but indulge in all of the sappy romantic comedies making their rounds. Because the movies combined with my longing to find love create this perfect possibility of having dreams about a man I’ve never met.

It sounds absolutely absurd when I put it in writing. Have any of you ever had these dreams?

I heard something interesting on the radio, which is surprising in itself. But it made me think.

Studies show that in the first three to six months of a relationship, your dopamine levels are high and your serotonin levels are low. This leads to feeling anxious and obsessive, but also feeling like you’re madly in love. It’s fierce and strong and overwhelming. However, after about six months (less for some), the chemicals switch. Suddenly you feel peaceful. You’re at ease and comfortable. You’re not scared of messing up or impressing your partner anymore. You’ve settled, more or less.

For some (generally those with sex addiction), the switch makes them think they’re not in love anymore. They think the decrease of excitement and obsession is a sign that the relationship isn’t going anywhere. These people have histories of dating for a few months and then breaking things off just as things settle down.

These people, according to the study, have a false understanding of what love is. They think it’s supposed to be intense and passionate constantly. But anyone who exercises knows how easy it is to get tired of exerting yourself. They slow down from a sprint to an easy jog. They rest in between sets to keep going. But do they stop exercising just because one workout was intense? Those who understand that regular exercise is important don’t. They keep going, adjusting their routine to whatever their body can tolerate. They build endurance. They understand that a marathon takes time. It’s not a sprint.

Love that’s worth it lasts beyond the first surge of energy. It evolves into something different. Something that will see you through to the end.

The study also showed that couples who had been married for over 45 years had high levels of both dopamine and seratonin, meaning they feel that passion, but it’s comfortable and lasting. I think this is example enough: a fire doesn’t go out just because you lit a match and used that match to stoke up a fire. It’s transferred to one fleeting burn to another longer lasting one.

So, for those who have ended every relationship after three to six months yet wonder why they’re scared to commit, you have an answer. You’ve simply misinterpreted the chemicals in your brain. Hopefully this new knowledge will allow you some introspection and understanding of the chemical side of your heart.

Now I’m texting this guy from those two posts…still not sure I want to add him to the list, so he’s remaining nameless.

Anyway, I mentioned one of my not-for-profit jobs and he said “That’s sweet of you.” I replied, “I’m very sweet.” He then said “Haha I wonder if I can handle the suga,” to which I said “Ummm” because I don’t do flirty texting. It’s stupid to me, unless you’re already in a relationship and then it’s cute. But lines like that said out loud are bad enough. No need to make them worse by putting them into text.

Here’s the best part. He replied to that text with “K.”

A capital “K” with a period to denote the end of the conversation. I DID NOT KNOW PEOPLE STILL DID THIS??

Unfortunately for me, I had already sent him a text changing subjects before he sent that message so now the conversation has continued but my goodness. I honestly didn’t know people still sent “K.”s in a serious tone anymore. I thought everyone knew that that’s just a joke now because it’s so overused and so terrible?

I have been done with this conversation for so long that now everything he said is starting to become a joke.

Update on top 40/rap/country guy!

Basically my entire conversation with him was through my friend. I had her tell him that I didn’t feel interested. She said it felt like she was breaking up with him, felt sorry for him (which I told her she shouldn’t because it’s not her fault that he’s boring?), and then said “omg he’s not giving up.”

Alright, you don’t want to give up because you think I’ve judged you unfairly on a handful of questions that have proven to be actually fairly effective in showing me someone’s personality? Fine. I’ll bite.

I was just about to ask my friend for his number when my phone froze and shut down. If this isn’t a sign, I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS.

Still, I feel bad that he felt so judged so quickly. So I asked my friend for his number anyway. He wants a chance to show me that he’s not the generic guy his movie and music choices say he is. He said that being asked his top five favorite movies is the hardest thing he’s ever been asked. I said I one day decided to figure out what my favorite movies are just because it’s such a hard question to answer. He said “You must be very opinionated then :)” and, stifling the urge to slap him via text, and told him that no, I just like efficiency. Which is true. There’s nothing about how I operate that is anything besides efficient. I like figuring out how to make things work in new ways. I’ll tape things or take things apart and use the parts for other things. I’ll take old things and find ways to make them new. I’ll look at broken, slow methods of operating and rework them in my brain. I’m a born problem solver. I don’t see how that makes me opinionated.

Now I’m basically fighting every urge to not want to talk to this guy because it will make my friend happy. This isn’t exactly anti-Rules territory, I know. But I want my friend to know that she tried and that it just didn’t work out (instead of the reality which is I honestly am not interested in this guy whatsoever and I knew that from the start).

Everything is pushing me in the opposite direction of this guy, but guilt is pushing me to give him a chance. Maybe there’s something to be said about that.

I have a guy friend who’s about 25. Nothing romantic between us, of course. But he was talking to me about this girl he met when he went to Las Vegas a few months ago. They had been texting and video chatting and all that stuff every day since then (she lives on the other side of the country). Apparently she’s ridiculously wealthy (her brother and dad own their own private jets). Anyway, from what he told me before he mentioned how rich she is, it sounds like she was just the kind of girl who laughed at all of his jokes and thought he was the coolest guy ever. It doesn’t hurt that she’s gorgeous. So at this point, I had surmised that he liked her because she made him feel like a king, even though their lifestyles and opinions about politics, economics, and same sex marriage are completely different. Then he mentioned that she was obscenely wealthy and I could see that that was probably a huge factor in why he was able to ignore how different their morals are.

He said in passing, “I’m 25, you know? So I don’t really have a lot of time to just date around and do whatever.” This really shook me because if he’s 25 and already feeling the pressure to settle down, what’s that mean for people who are 28? Or 30? Or 35? Are these people behind? Has their opportunity already passed them by?

I could see his plan unfold in my mind. In a relationship at 25. She moves here by the time he’s 26. They get a place together and settle in. They’re seriously committed by the time he’s 27. He proposes then or when he’s 28. A year of wedding planning and poof! Married before 30. And maybe even a kid by the time he’s 30.

Women always talk about having timelines like this, but a man? That’s a new one to me. Especially one so…sudden. It could just be that he was high on the honeymoon phase of their budding long distance relationship or that he really means it, but it still stayed with me.

By the time he’s 25, he’s already over dating and all that stuff and just wants to find someone to marry. But look at everything he’s risking for that. Is sticking to a timeline worth giving up years of your life for something that doesn’t seem like it’s going to work out?

Let’s discuss. What do you think?

My friend texted me yesterday asking if I was interested in dating someone. I took a deep breath and prepared myself for entering the world of Being Set Up For Dates By Friends Who Pity You. I said yes and then asked for a photo.

He’s not my type. I would describe him physically but that could potentially serve as a tell for reasons I can’t explain because that would also serve as a tell. Let’s just pretend that he’s…Hispanic. And then let’s pretend that my ex was also Hispanic. This is going to sound racist if I don’t preface it properly, so understand that this isn’t about race. Of the people I’ve met who were of the same “type” as this guy, there seems to be a pattern of disconnect. Something just doesn’t translate between me and “Hispanic” guys. Like they were raised and learned differently and my logic doesn’t mesh with theirs. Plus I’m not physically attracted to “Hispanic” guys. Hopefully by now you’ve gathered that “Hispanic” is just a title substitute and not to be taken literally so I can stop using quotes. Yes? Okay.

My ex was Hispanic. Given that I’m not attracted to that type of person physically, I wanted to open myself up to new opportunities. But I found more frequently that something about him didn’t seem to click. There was a missing puzzle piece that was partially attributed to his individual personality and intelligence and partially to his upbringing. I didn’t want to make generalizations, but the more people I met with his cultural background, the more I found that missing piece carrying over throughout. Like a string connecting all of them and repelling me. But with this guy my friend texted me about? I still don’t want to reject him just because he’s not my “type.”

So you have a type. Does that mean that anyone who isn’t in that type should be slighted just because you have a type? I don’t think so. I think if you want to see where things go, or if you’re limited on options within your type, you should be open to potentially falling in love with someone who isn’t your type. Because what if your soulmate (assuming that such a thing exists) is the complete opposite of what you’ve constructed in your imagination to be of your ideal man/woman? It’d be unfair to the other person interested in you and unfair to yourself to let that opportunity pass by.

Anyway, I asked for a picture. And I couldn’t help but laugh because it was such a vain, hipstery photo. Then I asked her to ask him about his favorite music, movies, and sports. These are three questions I ask of all potential suitors. Regardless of whether his music or movie or sports tastes mesh with mine, I want to know what they are because they give you an idea of the person.

If someone listens to top 40, it suggests that they’re the type who doesn’t mind following the herd. If they listen to bands you’ve never heard of - that no one has ever heard of, it could mean that they unknowingly try extra hard to be seen as a rebel. Someone who doesn’t need mainstream culture and who detests its existence. Neither of these people attract me. If someone’s favorite movies are all ones I’ve never heard of, I don’t necessarily judge them because I don’t watch a lot of movies. But if one of those favorite films is from the last three years? I have to assume that they have difficulty making decisions or are easily swayed or simply can’t commit to becoming a die hard fan of a film or film franchise. If someone says their favorite movie is from more than a decade ago, I can’t help but assume that they can stick with things or potentially have issues with change. Either way, I find that I’m more interested in someone whose favorite movies are from before 2010 and whose favorite music isn’t some super underground or specific thing like Soft-Grunge-Emo-Wiccan-Metal-Punk ballads.

I ask about sports because there are certain sports that I simply cannot understand liking. Like baseball. I know some of you LOVE baseball, but I don’t understand why. It makes me sleepy to watch and there’s just very little that’s interesting about it to me. Someone who lives in Southern California and likes basketball is most likely a bandwagoner and their favorite team is the Lakers just because it’s a home team. These people I’m not interested in because if they’ll bandwagon sports, they’ll likely bandwagon just about anything that becomes popular.

Now after all this build up, you’re probably really interested to know what he said about music and movies, right?

His music choices are:

• Rap
• R&B
• Country
• Top 40
• “Pop rock stuff” (I think this is called alternative?)
• Jazz

His top five films are:

• The Notebook
• 1408
• Young Adult
• Nightmare On Elm Street
• The Matrix

He didn’t list sports.

Now, just how does one person like jazz but also like top 40? And how does one person like rap AND country? I didn’t know that that was possible. Considering what I previously said about top 40 listeners, I think you might know where I’m going with this.

As for films? Young Adult was filmed in 2011. It was alright, but hardly something I’d put in my top favorite films of all time. I don’t exactly understand how to feel about people who say The Matrix is one of their most favorite films. And a guy saying his favorite film is The Notebook? He’s either a huge pussy (sorry) or is trying to look like he’s capable of having emotions. I’ve never even heard of 1408 but can we just talk about how his favorite types of music are country and rap?

After I relayed my music preferences and favorite films through my friend, she said “I like your choices better.”

To which I replied, “I’m interesting. That’s why.”

More as this story continues, but I really hope it doesn’t.

Less than 24 hours before I close out the year without having sex more than three (two?) times.

Something about this is hilarious to me. Almost like I’m detached from the sad meaning behind it and can only see it from the comical viewpoint.

Perhaps it’s because not twisting the situation into something to laugh at will make my sex/love life heartwrenchingly sad and that’s not something I’m prepared to deal with.

Whatever the case, 2012 was a spectacularly dull year! Let’s hope 2013 provides something interesting to write about!

I hope you all have a safe and happy New Year’s Eve!

Love,
Emily

This post contains reference to sex, some vulgarity, and I strongly recommend any followers who are easily persuaded into trying things they shouldn’t (or who are under the age of 18 (ergo why I said NSFK, as in “not safe for kids”)) should kindly ignore this post.

Read More

You would all probably be happy to hear that TOTGA will, finally, no longer be a topic of discussion anymore.

I hated having to talk about him, which means you all probably hated reading about it. And now that that’s done with, we can move on to much more interesting things!