So that whole ‘wait until after the third date before sex’ thing didn’t quite go over as planned. As in, it didn’t happen at all. Faulkner and I had sex. Twice last night and once this morning. It didn’t feel rushed or forced, either.

We watched a movie and ate Thai takeout at his apartment and after the movie ended, the kissing and foreplay began. Then we went into his room and had sex. It wasn’t bad, so don’t worry. Afterwards, I set the alarm on my phone and we went to sleep.

I had trouble sleeping simply because I wasn’t used to the bed or sleeping next to someone. I tossed and turned and woke up every few hours worried that I’d wake up late. Every time I readjusted, so did he. We ended up spooning and as I drifted back into sleep, I thought “I’m the little spoon.” This made me chuckle because it’s been so long since I’ve been the little spoon, and to make myself aware of it in that manner was funny to me. He said “What?” and I made a noise to make it sound like I had been sleeping.

When my alarm went off, we shared a little pillow talk (I covered my mouth with the blanket because morning breath isn’t cute) and then things happened and we had morning sex. I’ve never had morning sex before, so that was a fun adventure.

After that, we took a shower together, which was funny because he dropped the soap, and also because I’m pretty uncomfortable with my body. I don’t like being naked, even when I’m alone. So that too was an interesting experience.

Then we got dressed and he made himself some breakfast. He asked me a few times if I wanted breakfast, but I settled for leftover salad from the Thai takeout. I’m not much of a breakfast eater (it takes me an hour or so after getting up before I feel hungry) but I thought it was cute that he would ask if I wanted anything. He ate a big breakfast, and with each thing he made himself, he asked if I wanted some. Orange juice? No thanks. Egg in a basket? No thanks. Banana? No thanks. He was obviously trying to play the role of the good host, so I settled for a glass of orange juice which seemed to satisfy him a bit.

We talked a little before I had to get going and he asked if I could come over after church. As much as I wanted to say yes, I declined and said I had stuff to do.

What really matters about all of this is that after church, I saw that I had a text message from Ben. It said “I was just thinking about you. Wanted to say hi.”

…

Bahahahaha

I’m really REALLY sorry that I haven’t been on here since last week! When there’s nothing new going on, sadly, I don’t really have much to write about.

However, there are two juicy updates that developed yesterday!

1. Remember that guy I said stopped talking to me a year ago & just randomly started texting me again? I got to go off on him. Hard. I told him that it’s nice that he wants to reinstate contact, but I’m not the kind of person you can just drop and pick up again when it’s convenient for you. He clearly wasn’t fond of my saying that and he hasn’t texted me since. I know it’s mean, but you have to understand that this guy is so…arrogant and self absorbed. It’s beyond irritating. I know that he pushed practically everyone out of his life since me from when my friend checked his Facebook to see if his phone number was on there and from scrolling through saw that he had re-friended people he had once called his “best friends.” Clearly this guy is unstable and lets his emotions get far too much control. And now that his emotions have cooled off a bit (whether permanently or temporarily, I don’t care), he’s reaching out to these people again? No, kid. I’m not going to be your friend again after how you treated me and how you SHOWED me that you have absolutely no concern for your friends’ feelings. What’s to say this won’t happen again? Oh, that’s right, nothing. There are some things you can prove to always remain true or false, but some can never be proven. You can’t prove that you won’t fly off the handle and hurt everyone around you. All you can do is show that you didn’t do it yesterday or haven’t done it today. But tomorrow’s no guarantee. And I’ll have none of that, thank you.

2. Ben texted me saying he misses me. Oh, you miss the psycho chick, huh? But at the time you didn’t think you’d be losing anything by calling me a psycho?

I have a feeling these two guys would be great friends.

I’m done with Ben. That chapter has closed.

I mentioned previously that Ben and I had a misunderstanding via text. The “misunderstanding” was that during our conversation, I asked what we were going to do on the day of our second date. He replied “Practicing making babies?” to which I replied, “Can we, I dunno, get to know each other first?” He didn’t reply. Prior to this, he had been responding immediately. So his convenient silence couldn’t be rationalized into “Oh, he’s sleeping” or “He’s probably working.” I waited until the next afternoon (July 4th) and he still hadn’t replied. So I texted him “Had I known you just wanted to get into my pants, I wouldn’t have even bothered with you. But thanks for getting my hopes up!”

His reply was, basically, “Wtf are you talking about? I never said anything to suggest that I wanted to sleep with you.”

So I sent him a screenshot of his texts. He said that he was “joking around” and thought that I would be able to play along.

Note: If you’re genuinely interested in someone, it’s an unspoken rule to NOT bring up sex, no matter how much you want it.

He said that I was freaking out for no reason, and I explained that my reaction was perfectly reasonable. I could have dropped him right there, but I didn’t want to.

Why?

Because I wanted to see that the story I would give to you guys would have a better ending. Something smooth, gentle, and not so abrupt. I asked my guy friend what I should do, and he suggested (even though I knew I had no reason to) that I apologize and say that I’ve been played by guys in the past and that I’m sorry that I projected that onto him. So I said that - mind you, Ben never apologized - and he said it was fine.

We talked later, and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He said that those texts I sent were “straight up psycho” and kept saying over and over again how “psycho” I acted. I haven’t quite put my finger on what his flaw is, but clearly it has something to do with the inability to admit that he was at fault. To actually tell someone that their getting mad that you were playing them was “psycho” and completely incapable of seeing what you did wrong is not what I’d call sane. The worst part, my dear followers, is that this conversation happened after I broke a few rules. I texted him asking if he was busy, he said no. I asked if I could come over, he said yes and gave me his address. Then we hooked up. And then, he told me that my texts were psycho.

Excuse me? ARE YOU SERIOUS??

ANY woman in a situation that seemed to be full of potential would have been just as let down as I was about how he essentially declared that he just wanted to hook up. And any woman in her right mind would have called it quits right then and there. But, like I said, I wanted to find a way to work things out so you guys wouldn’t have to read such a terrible post.

I thought it over, and came to a conclusion: You guys don’t deserve a wonderful story. You guys deserve the truth, because everyone can identify with the things that I go through. You deserve an incredible story, full of twists and turns and real life problems. I can’t sugarcoat or conveniently leave things out just so you have a happy story to read. I can’t fictionalize the truth until I actually write an adaptation of these experiences. What’s the point in even having this blog if I’m being dishonest?

So that’s that. No more Ben, no more lies.

Eric and I have known each other for awhile. We went on a few casual dates. He taught me how to park in a parking spot (this was before I had my license). He makes me laugh so much more than most guys (I’m usually the one that feels like I have to make the jokes). He’s considerate…and he’s timid.

Four years ago, he seemed to like me a lot, but never made the move to really pursue a relationship. Two years ago, it was the same situation. Eight months ago, same thing. We’d go on a date and have a great time…and then we’d just fade away from one another. It seems like we always have a way of reconnecting and getting along like we hadn’t gone ages without talking. But he’s never tried to pursue anything. He even let me slip out of his grasp a few years ago. Things were developing (slowly) between us, but another guy beat him to the punch. I assume that this has made him more cautious about seeing me, but I wish it would give him the courage to snatch me up once and for all!

Anyway, this is where the conflict I mentioned comes into play…

We’re going on a date tomorrow. I know we’ll have a lot of fun and enjoy each other’s company. If I had to choose between Eric and Ben…I feel like I owe it to Eric to be with him. But is that worth giving up someone else who seems to be more aggressive with his intentions?

As of right now, I have no idea which way the story will turn. Expect more posts about this dichotomy.

Firstly, I’d like to apologize for being absent for a few days. I know that this blog is supposed to be a semi-realtime chronicle of my romantic rendezvous. Between Sunday and Monday, something happened that I’d rather not go into. However, I can say that it was a slight misunderstanding which occurred between Ben and myself via text message. (doesn’t it seem like all misunderstandings nowadays occur via text message?)

Following that incident, I thought that things were officially done between us. And the stress of this news made me hesitant to post about it. Partially because I didn’t know if it really was the end, but mostly because of you guys. Whether you know it or not, your increased interest in this blog puts a lot of pressure on me to provide an optimistic story for you. I didn’t want to be the bearer of bad news and leave you feeling let down. Since the build-up for potential happiness with Ben was so great, the untimely ending of that chapter would have had a huge effect.

While I won’t go into details, my friend sent me this text that I think anyone who faces a breakup or disappointment should read:

Think of how much more potential [the story] has now once you meet the right guy. You’re going to go through this WAY more than once until you find the ONE guy that’s right and makes you not want to date anyone else again. So your blog is going to have heartbreaks and disappointments, but if it weren’t for those, the beauty of it won’t shine when you do have a happy ending.”

If you exchange “blog” for the story of your life, I think you can see how meaningful this message is.

But, I have good news. Ben and I had to cancel our date for Tuesday because I forgot that I had committed my time elsewhere for that night. We talked last night after he got off of work and we sorted things out. Now, we’re right back to where we used to be and so far, all is well.

You know that Marilyn Monroe quote, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best”? That popped up into my head. I anticipated that Ben and I wouldn’t want anything to do with one another, but as we talked, it became apparent that neither of us felt like this situation was important enough to not want to see each other anymore.

And the great thing is, even if Ben and I don’t work out, that actually makes my life (through learning and experience) and this story (through plot twists and unexpected events) that much better. Plus, I got to see the “bad” side of Ben. I’m pretty perceptive, so when I see that bad side, usually a lot of other major flaws come out of the woodwork that are too unsavory for me to want to handle. But pulling back Ben’s curtain, there wasn’t really anything there to deter me from seeing him.

However…this story wouldn’t be that interesting if some sort of conflict didn’t come up, so stay tuned for my next post ;)

Ever since that night at the dive bar, Ben has texted me first every day!

Today was probably the best, though. He texted me about 6 minutes before I woke up. I checked my phone and was shocked to find that he sent me a picture of himself (nothing risqué, so don’t worry) and was talking about how exhausted he was. He works in my neighborhood, so he was trying to butter me up to let him come over to sleep. I couldn’t stop laughing. At one point he goes, “I’m so tired. I’M COMING OVER! WHAT’S YOUR ADDRESS!” Of course this was all in jest, and we’ve joked about it before. He even said that just having a police vehicle parked on the street “will deter morons from doing anything illegal.” to which I replied, “You being asleep at 12pm isn’t going to stop me from getting raped at 3am!”

Anyway, being the girl that I am, I sent his picture over to my bff. Her response was “WTF I hate you.” I can’t show you guys the picture, but I think having my bff’s approval (she’s really picky) should be proof enough that this guy is way too attractive.

Which brings me to my next point: he’s got a lot to offer. He’s got a career, his own house, a great body, and a great sense of humor. I’m extremely skeptical, which I think I touched on before. Obviously when an amazing guy enters my life, I have to wonder if it’s too good to be true. This is both a curse…and a gift. I wonder if he’s flirting with other women as much as he is with me. I wonder if he sent that picture to another woman, or women. I wonder if he’s just trying to sweep me off my feet long enough to get me into bed.

But the gift in this is that I’m aware that this is a huge fault of mine. Meaning that every time I find myself thinking these thoughts, I push them out of my mind and am training myself to be optimistic. I’m learning to take the chance. It’s worth possibly getting your heart broken instead of shutting down the possibility of finding love. “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” 

And then I think about it. I’m not physically super attractive - and this isn’t me fishing for compliments. I am very much a plain Jane. On the outside. On the inside, I’m smart, witty, and interesting. So I think about the possibility of him trying to play me just to get into my pants, and I realize that if that’s all he wanted, he could go out and find a Barbie. He even told me that he dated a girl who was all about partying and incapable of having a deep conversation or enjoying a relaxing night in. He broke up with her after a little over a month and said that he’s become really picky. So obviously he’s looking for something substantial, and while I might not have a gorgeous body, I am capable of providing him with the most important qualities needed for a meaningful relationship.

That’s what’s keeping me from going into my old routine of “I’m not pretty enough for this guy, so I just shouldn’t bother.” Plus the fact that Ben actually makes me feel like I am beautiful on the outside, because he recognizes what’s on the inside.

Should I wait before I casually suggest that Ben take me on a ride along?

I think after 2. Because that’ll be on Tuesday. And a ride along with a cute cop sounds hilarious and wonderful. I’ll even buy him donuts! There are so many jokes I’m making up thanks to his job.

Grandpa: If things get serious with this boy, I’ll have to talk to him.
Me: Okay but don’t pull out your shotgun. He’s a cop, ya know. Probably has better aim than you!
Grandpa: You’re an adult. You should know how to take a joke.
Me: Haha WHAT?

Friend: Well possession of a vagina with intent to use is a felony in most states.
Me: Guess Ben will have to arrest me then!

I had a dream last night that Ben had unfriended me on Facebook. (I didn’t even know he had one, or that I had one even). Anyway, I notice he unfriended me, so I check his profile and read that after leaving from the bar with me last night, he went to another bar and was flirting with a bunch of girls way more attractive than me.

I felt terrible, and I tried telling my friend what had happened, but for some reason (I wasn’t drunk) I couldn’t text. The words just couldn’t form. And during my attempts at texting my friend, I was at the bar where Ben was. I watched, unnoticed, as he went around kissing some girls, flirting with others…my heart sank.

But often, dreams like that are reflections of things that you’re afraid of or worried about. So I think this post makes it pretty clear that I’m worried that this is too good to be true.

Rule #9: For dates 1-3, stick to only casual kissing.

Ben texted me tonight asking what I was up to. I told him that I was at a dive bar with my friend. He asked for the address, which I gave him. He had just gotten off of work when he texted me, so he went home and showered before meeting me and my friend at the bar.

The three of us played pool and were having fun. My friend decided to take some time sitting at the bar asking for all sorts of ridiculous drinks. Needless to say, he managed to get pretty drunk.

While he was over there, Ben and I were playing pool. As he walked past me, he stopped, wrapped his arms around me, and kissed me. Awhile later (my friend still getting drunk at the bar), he kissed me again.

Then, as the night was nearing a close, Ben asked me to walk him to his car. There, he kissed me again. I don’t know how long we were there, but it was wonderful. Kissing him felt natural. Our movements matched perfectly. There was no need to adjust my technique, and no need for him to adjust his. (He’s a great kisser, by the way). As we were kissing, he pulled away and whispered “I swear, it’s like we were made for each other.”

A short while later, he said “I really want to see you again.” I told him “well I guess that means you’ll have to ask me out.” We’re going on a date Tuesday.

It was almost impossible for both of us to stop kissing one another, but he had said earlier that he had to be up at 6am to go to work. So we reluctantly parted, but just before that, he said “I never want to stop kissing you.”

He held my face in his hands, I looked into his eyes, and he said “You look amazing. I had a great time. I can’t wait to see you again.” Then he kissed me on my forehead. We hugged, and with one last parting kiss, he got into his car and left.

I walked back into the bar and stayed there with my friend until he had sobered up so he could drive home. The entire time, I felt like I was ten feet off the ground. Driving home, I found myself smiling and recalling the sweet words that no one had ever said to me before.

Ben makes me feel beautiful. He makes me feel like finally, I am enough for someone. Like he’s lucky to have found me. I can’t believe this is happening to me. I never imagined that I would ever be one of those people that you see in movies or read about in books. I’m intoxicated by him, and the feeling is mutual. It’s all 50/50. I couldn’t have found a better man. 

I can’t thank you enough for following me on this incredible journey. I’m as excited as you are to see what happens next.

I found a shirt that someone gave me for my birthday that is a men’s XL. The design is something that Ben is a big fan of, so I asked if he wanted it. He asked me to send a picture, so I did followed with “If you don’t want it, I’ll just donate it.” He replied saying he’d never wear it (it’s kind of a goofy design), so I said (taking a big risk and doing what bretgs suggested) “Okay, no worries. Let me know when you’re available to hang out?” He replied “Kay :)”

I shouldn’t have texted him about the shirt because

- It looks like I’m trying to give him a gift or something equally weird
- He should’ve texted me and I just bring it up casually during conversation
- The Rules says not to do that (haha)

But, being the English major that I am, I analyzed his “Kay :)” to be a positive. Now before you get all hyper, let me explain. Had he said “K,” that would mean “Yeah right.” But he bothered to spell it out, presumably so as not to sound curt, and the smiley face only aids in supporting that hypothesis.

Which means that potentially, bretgs (who has named himself my “wack shy-dude unrequested advisor”) could actually be right. Maybe Ben and Bret are of the same species of guys who let the woman take the lead.

And Bret, I really hope you understand that although you may act this way in order to prevent stepping on any toes, women don’t normally like to have to put in so much effort. I could go into a long list of reasons why, but I’m tired so I won’t :P

I asked my guy friend to hang out without even a second thought. We’ve been friends for about two or three years and we’ve never had any interest in one another.

Anyway, I asked one of my female friends why it’s so easy for me to ask to hang out with my guy friend and text him first and stuff but with Ben, I stress over every moment. Her reply was so simple and true:

“Because there’s no pressure of rejection.”

I texted Ben today (didn’t text at all yesterday because he didn’t text me) saying “Are we hanging out today?”

An hour and a half later, he replied “I’m working today :/”

He told me awhile ago that he works 6a-6p Sunday through Tuesday, but gets called in for random shifts here or there.

I want to believe that this is one of those times, but I’m becoming skeptical of the situation. And I’m frustrating myself so much that I almost want to assume that he’s lying as a way to get out of seeing me. At least that way, I can get over it and move on.

But there’s no real way to know which it is apart from my optimism battling my pessimism. I think I’ll just let go anyway and if he is interested, somewhere down the line, he’ll hit me up. I’m tired of waiting and wondering and hoping.

What do you think? Is he interested? Or is he just putting up with me and hoping I get the hint?

Guys, I hope what I’m confessing shows you what NOT to do if you’re interested in a girl. We like to be pursued. We like clarity.

Ben and I semi-set up a date but he never finalized anything. We also didn’t talk at all yesterday.

I have a bad feeling that I pressured him into a second date.

The Rules says that any man who is interested - even the ones who are shy and don’t want to bug you - will put in effort to pursue you. By this, I mean he should have texted me. Holding out hope that he texts me today, since today is the day of our possible date. If he doesn’t…then I’ll just have to keep not texting him and I’ll have to get used to the bitter, bitter possibility of letting him slip quietly out of my life.

Damn these rules! Damn their logic! If they didn’t have such solid explanations, I’d completely disregard them and text him anyway! Damn. It hurts.

Let’s hope he texts me today. If not, then that’s a pretty big red flag. *sigh*

then you better believe I’m not going to make the stupid mistake of texting him during the game!